I am a BYU apostate. Sometimes I wish things were different, life seems so much easier for my friends that are TBM's. They don't have to deal with the honor code paranoia, the self deceit or knowing that they are viewed as the fuck up of their family. They seem to breeze through life always knowing that they are right and are always obscenely happy. Ignorance is bliss right?  If there is one thing I have learned here at the "Lords university" it is how well his faithful servants are able to create the facade of happiness. To shatter this illusion one only needs to look behind the curtain. Once they do the illusion becomes sickening.  Mormons aren't happier, more spiritual or better off than the rest of us they just are simply better at faking it. What I crave most is for people here to stop being so fake. BYU would be better off if everyone was more open, honest and forthright with their opinions. The free interchange of idea's beliefs and experiences is a wonderful thing, this marketplace of thought is the driving force behind the advancement of man, so why does it not seem to exist at BYU?  Why do I have to hide who I am and how I feel? It should be considered impermissible especially for a university to limit the scope of perspectives it's students are exposed to. The thing that astounds me though is how BYU is able to maintain this status quo though Orwellian surveillance and a culture that stems directly from McCarthyism. In short the honor code office utilizes the student body against itself to stem political, theological or any behavior they view as dissent. This in effect limits free thought to a point where it is rendered impotent.  BYU proudly proclaims "the world is our campus",  however for me it seems more like the campus is their world.